martes, 17 de noviembre de 2009

De por qué no voy a salir nunca más. Parte I

Mi amiga recién dejada estaba triste. Hacía mas de dos meses que no salíamos a tomar nada a ningún lugar que no fuera el patio de mi casa. Frente a su tristeza, tomé coraje, respiré profundo, y le dije: "Hoy salimos, y la rompemos".

12:20. Empezamos a emperifollarnos.

12:30. Ya estamos listas. Pertenecemos al selecto grupo de mujeres que tarda muy poco en arreglarse. Mi amiga dice "Mariana, parezco un gato asi maquillada". "Mejor, hoy salimos a matar". Sí, dije "matar" y además lo acompañé con el puño cerrado, en alto.

12: 35. Avenida del Libertador. Esperamos un taxi. Pasan autos con jóvenes apretujados dentro. No nos dicen nada.

12:50. Taxi 504 con olor a funda de tapizado sucia y transpirada.

01:10. Intentamos ingresar al establecimiento nocturno por la salida de emergencia. El patovica se burla de nosotras.

01:15. El lugar apesta. Soy la encargada de comprar bebidas. Me acerco a la barra. Gente amontonada, como ganado. Unos arriba de otros, se empujan, se cuelan, se gritan. La música, aturde. Algunas chicas no entienden que una vez que compraste, tenés que retirarte. "Circulandoooo" le digo a una que está acodada en la barra con cara de gato en celo. Se enoja.

01:30. Sigo haciendo la cola para comprar dos cervezas. Miro a mi amiga, que está cómodamente sentada atrás de toda la gente. "Tendrían que poner numeritos, como en la verdulería", grita. La gente la mira.

01:45. Después de media hora, salgo de la barra con mis dos cervezas. Buscamos un lugar donde instalarnos. Mi amiga dice "Ahí, mirá, en esa terraza no hay nadie", y enfila como loca, sin reparar en que hay una soguita que no permite el ingreso, y un patovica gigante que opera como puera blindada. Se traga la soguita, pero no llega a caerse. El patovica la mira. Mi amiga se retira. "Te dije que había un señor" le digo yo. Mi amiga me mira, mi chiste no le causa nada de gracia.

02:00. "Esto parece meo", le grito a mi amiga, porque con el nivel sobrehumano de la música ni siquiera se puede hablar. "Un asco". "Una mierda". "Todos viejos". "Y las minas en bolas". "Y esta calefacción me está dejando sin oxígeno". "Ese tipo es igual a mi tío". "Vinimos al lugar donde viene tu tío, qué joviales". "¿En tu casa hay algo para tomar?. "Tengo gin, pero no hay limón, y tengo una tónica que abrí hace un mes, no debe tener gas". "Vamos, no importa, ya, por favor".

02:10. Estamos en el taxi. El taxista insiste con que mi calle es la primera después de las vías. "No". "Sí". "No". "Sí". Todo el camino. "No". "Sí". "No". "Sí".

02:30. "¿Vio? Yo tenía razón". "Más o menos, eh". Me bajo y le convierto la puerta en una giratoria.

04:00. Completamente ebrias, cantamos en el patio de mi casa "Cálido y frío" de Franco de Vita. "Yo te agradezco que hayas querido sacarme para que me alegrara, pero dejá, la próxima me corto las venas con una galletita de agua, no te molestes".

273 comentarios:

1 – 200 de 273   Más reciente›   El más reciente»
Anónimo dijo...

"Tendrían que poner numeritos, como en la verdulería."

La amé.

Alejandro

Mar dijo...

Hace muucho que no me hacían reír tanto. Sigan saliendo se los pido por favor.

A todas nos pasan estas cosas, las contás muy bien.

En serio, me tuve que tapar la boca en la oficina porque me tenté mal. :D

el_iluso_careta dijo...

hoy x hoy cualquier boliche es una mierda...

Viejex dijo...

Siempre los boliches fueron una mierda. Sobre todo cuando podemos leer los labios de alguna minusa que nos gusta (porque oir algo en esos antros es utópico) y nos encontramos que se refieren a nosotros diciendo "ese tipo se parece a mi tio"

Marian dijo...

Quiero salir con ustedes. AHORA.

Tenes que seguir saliendo mil veces mas, porque el final fue fabulantástico. (dónde mierda escuché esa palabra?...)

Besos, M.

Conz dijo...

bueno, pero eso es porque no salen conmigo y con johi hace mucho... dejate de joder!!

el viernes fui a un bar DIVINO con tragos DIVINOS con mozos DIVINOS y nada de apretuje

Anónimo dijo...

Por díos…que tormento…Nada mejor que el patio de casa…capas que fuimos la misma persona en alguna vida pasada…No se.

Anónimo dijo...

Comentarios de día de lluvia...

El gato vagabundo dijo...

Ustedes, solas y depresivas, son el sueño de cualquier productor televisivo.

Me imagino estas escenas en unitarios. La cantidad de emociones que generan ustedes dos en el público son infinitas. Desde la risa hasta la complicidad, desde la lágrima a la carcajada irracional... yo sería el primero en sentarme frente a la caja mogolizante cada noche, para ver una de estas historias.

Posta.

perro que ladra dijo...

Ahora, Franco de Vita, ¿era necesario agregarle más sufrimiento a la velada?

Anónimo dijo...

Así fue la última vez que fui a bailar, agregando un reguetón depresivo....todavía estoy tomando coraje para volver a salir!!!

Mariano dijo...

Eso pasa por no pedir asesoramiento. Hay un par de lugares donde hacen lucha en el lodo con enanos donde la pasas bomba.

Lucas.- dijo...

Mala elección, nada más.

Anónimo dijo...

Siempre que leo estas historias tuyas tan "trágicas" pero divertidas a la vez, me acuerdo de una película muy grosa que vi hace un tiempo. Se llama "Verano en Berlín" ("Sommer vorm Balkon"). Estoy 101% de que si no la viste, la tenés que ver porque te vas a ver plenamente reflejada...
Después me fijo si la tengo por ahí en la PC de casa y te la paso... la mina de esa peli es M. en su otra vida! xD

*Ene Deláa* dijo...

jajajaa que ídolas! Nada como emborracharse bien cerca de la cama y/o del baño que no sea público.

maru dijo...

alejandro: todos la amamos (?)

tiburina: me alegro que te hayas divertido!

iluso: pero no era un boliche!

viejex: jajaja, no lo había pensado desde el lado masculino!

mariana: cuando quieras. somos dos aparatos, te voy avisando. yo digo fantabulósico!!

conz: para que tú lo sepas, fue en un bar que VOS me hiciste conocer!

bbsampler: no, no podemos seguir en el patio de mi casa

gato: ojo eh, no me vendría nada mal que me pagaran por hacer las estupideces que hago todos los días

perro: dale, que franco te encanta

tsunami: no hay que rendirse, hay que volver a salir

mariano: pasame la data YA. el otro día me acordé de vos porque vi una enana con un señor muuuuyyy alto. iban de la mano

lucas: mala elección la de mi madre de traerme a este mundo pedorro?

ger: yo no conozco la noche (?)

pablo: voy a buscar la peli!

ene delaá: cerca de la cama, el baño lo evitamos, siempre

besos!

La Criatura dijo...

Pará que cuento...

1.15 ingreso.
2.10 egreso.

¡Ni una hora estuvieron!
Por ahí aparecía algún tío amigo con un balde con champagne para preguntales: "¿solitas chicas?"


(los detalles de la verduleria y franco de vita son tan bizarros como geniales)

Anónimo dijo...

La próxima postea en el blog "Estamos ahora solitas y aburridas en el bar X"... y vamos todos volando a buitrearlas! :))

Mariano dijo...

Decime que la enana iba colgando. Por favor, decimelo.

el_iluso_careta dijo...

"01:10. Intentamos ingresar al establecimiento nocturno por la salida de emergencia. "
definime boliche y establecimiento nocturno...

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